Every week, Dear Prudence answers extra questions from readers for Slate Plus members. You can submit your questions anonymously here.
Bewildered in Boston wrote in, saying:
“I’m pregnant with my first child. I have two stepkids who are 8 and 6. My husband’s ex left when the youngest was just a baby, and his parents took over caring for the kids. We live on the same property and see them every day. We pay our share of the bills, and I generally get along with my mother-in-law, but she’s been acting strangely since we announced our pregnancy. She keeps bringing up the other kids and spoils them excessively.
At my baby shower, my mother-in-law showed up with the kids, brought them gifts, and let them blow out the candle on the cake, like it was their birthday. My co-workers thought it was odd, and my mother-in-law denied it and scolded me for being upset.
My husband says my feelings are valid but that we need to focus on his kids. I feel lonely and unsupported because my family lives far away, and my in-laws are my main support. I had a big argument with my mother-in-law about childcare and her feelings were hurt because I wasn’t going to leave the baby with her. She went back to work two years ago and seems to miss it. I feel like I can’t enjoy this time. What should I do?”
Prudie’s Response:
Your mother-in-law probably loves her grandchildren and might be worried that your new baby will overshadow them or that she’ll lose her role as the primary caregiver. The new baby could disrupt the current balance in the family.
Even though you’ve already had a big argument about childcare, it might be helpful to have a calm conversation with her. You could say something like, “I’m sorry about our heated discussion on childcare. I chose part-time work because I thought you enjoyed being back at work, not to exclude you. I appreciate everything you do for the older kids and can’t wait for the new baby to know you. I’d like to talk about any worries you might have and how we can make sure everyone, including the older kids, feels included. I also want to share my excitement about being a new mom and feel supported.”
This approach might help her feel heard and valued. If she’s still difficult despite your best efforts, at least you’ll know you tried. Make sure your husband knows it’s important for him to protect you from her behavior during this stressful time.
Classic Prudie:
A reader mentioned how stressful it was when their husband wasn’t sharing the workload after their baby was born. They made a list of their responsibilities and told their husband that if he wanted any of those tasks, they could be his responsibility.
